Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Emotions

I don't post about my feelings very much, that's not been the purpose of this blog. Rather it has been a place to share what's going on in the crazy Khan household with my friends and family. I guess when it comes to feelings I'm a bit more private than that.

Over the past few weeks I've been in a bit of a slump, searching for my 'happy place' but not really being able to find it. Not sleeping well, and stressing over the little nuisances in my life, that cumulatively have been taking on a lot more significance. I actually started typing a blog post about it, and thought that I'd post it whenever I finally got the courage to share my inner feelings. I don't really want a pity party, but I thought a few encouraging comments from friends may make me feel better about myself. Let's say my self-esteem's been pretty badly bruised lately.

Then this week tragedy after tragedy hit the close knit heart community. All of a sudden my troubles have become much less significant. I have heard of so many children passing, directly or indirectly due to their congenital heart defects. It just doesn't seem fair. In the facebook heart community I am a part of I have heard of at least nine children who lost their battle, although I did not know much about these children or their families until recently. One of the most recent is precious Joshua. He was born with HLHS and fought a strong battle for about two months. Sadly his little life was hit by medical challenge after medical challenge, and he died in his mother's arms this morning. I have already written about Ewan in my previous post. And there are many more whom I have learned about from the facebook community. These children may be just names to you or me, but to a grieving parent, and grieving family, they were the world. It just doesn't seem fair to lose so many, so young. But it is not up to me to question God's will.

This afternoon I smiled while I watched my four year old heart baby slide down a pole, climb up a ladder, and slide down that pole again, many, many times. I felt blessed to see the energy he has, combined with that element of fearlessness that only children of that age can have. He is so innocent and naive; he could never image the pain we experienced when we handed him over to his surgeon, who repaired the broken heart he was born with. He was too young to have memories of that day. All he has to show for it is the scar etched on his chest.

Then I came indoors and cried until I felt there were no more tears I could shed. My heart aches tonight.

4 comments:

Melissa said...

All I can say is I join you in the heart ache.. this has been a hard week. I don't even personally know these sweet babies but it hits soooo close to home..Really makes me hug Maccoy a little longer and remember just how blessed I am.

Melissa

Hope's Blog said...

This has been a rough time in the CHD community. I knew only one of the babies personally, but I cried for each and every one. It breaks my heart when I read about any CHD baby, child, or adult losing the CHD battle. This week seems to be the hardest since I joined the community a year ago.

Stefenie said...

Thus has been a difficult week for our community of heart families. I cried yesterday watching Logan play outside. It's tough. {{{HUG}}
We are definitely lucky to have our little miracles.

Amyacl said...

Mina, you are an amazing mom to your amazing boy (and to your other two beautiful children too). A few things have happened this week that have given me a dose of perspective too, and reminded me how fortunate I am despite the challenges. Sending warm thoughts your way!

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